You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
You Might Also Like
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.