I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
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This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Am I having a stroke?
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME