This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
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ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.