This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
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My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)
Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
—What are we?
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.