This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
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When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I occasionally drink every single night.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
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The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese