[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
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Her: Don’t you have a child?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
first you must answer his riddles
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !