Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
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The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
“i miss shittin on people”
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs