after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
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new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.