Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
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Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.