While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma