If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
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Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Labreador
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.