Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
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“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Great Canadian literature.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.