someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
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*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
My life in a nutshell
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.