In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
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I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.