Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
My current situation
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.