I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
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Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok