Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
podcasts
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Tony Hawk, age 6
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
i want to work in this restaurant