@truegritrumble KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
@quantumsleep22 Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
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@truegritrumble 
@StruggleDisplay New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
@AndrewChamings MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
@robyn_vo I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
@ericsshadow [burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
@DadandBuried I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
@LoveNLunchmeat Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
@UncleDuke1969 “I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
@WilliamAder Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
@KalvinMacleod Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related