My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
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It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Sorry. Not sorry
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
the red hot silly peppers
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?