My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
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Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Y’all ready for this
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better