I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
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At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
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1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
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Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
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I only look at Wordle for the articles
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
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