My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
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I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.