[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
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If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*