[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
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Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
The Weeknd is back
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?