I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
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The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee