I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
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I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Put this video in the Louvre
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
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Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN