I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
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What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people