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Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I didn’t realize that was an option
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
yeah no that’s fair
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”