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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
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There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you