“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
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Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…