“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
You Might Also Like
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.