Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*