Yoga Matt
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[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty