Yoga Matt
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*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I was just discussing this with my cat
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest