Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
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Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.