[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
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Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I am laughing way too hard at this.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!