If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
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A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Who’s ready for Friday?!
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Anime is real
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.