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Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
the three branches of government
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”