Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
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my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.