Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
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How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal