Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
You Might Also Like
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.