*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
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Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.