Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
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Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
estão todos miauvindo?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.