“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
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SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.