Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
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*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
tell em, edith-anne
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”