my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
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I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
❤️❤️❤️
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*