Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
You Might Also Like
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.