Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay