If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
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[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I didn’t come here to be called names
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.