Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
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A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe