@bananagrvyrd

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

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@robdelaney

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

@ItsMeAshleyWee

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

@Contwixt

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

@AVenezuelan19

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

@RidiculousDak

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

@humanaaron

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

@Smug_Lemur

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

@1Happytwit

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.