My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
You Might Also Like
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Van Gone
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.