If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
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Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.