“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
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My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me