I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
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No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.