medusa but her hair is an anaconda
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Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.