People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
You Might Also Like
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
It鈥檚 only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I鈥檝e already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Now wait a minute- 馃槶馃槶馃槶
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Always
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I鈥檓 a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don鈥檛 know or parallel parking.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
what鈥檚 something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.