The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
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[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer